Dealing With Rejection and Being a REAL ADULT

Like I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been doing basically nothing with my life over the past couple of months. Remember back when I was writing about applying to grad school? Well, that was a bust. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t actually expect to get into any of my programs. All but one were Clinical Ph.D. programs, and I just didn’t make the cut. I think in the end it was my GPA that brought me down the most, and that’s unfortunately not something I can easily fix.

I’m trying not to whine about it, I really, really am. But when I find myself curled up on the couch, bawling my eyes out because I feel like a worthless pile of nothing, I figure it’s time to write about it. The poor Significant Other hasn’t known me long enough to quite know how to deal with my occasional emotional outbursts, so I feel bad dumping all this rejection crap on him. So you lucky readers get to enjoy it instead!

I never thought I’d say that I missed school, but I really, REALLY do. Miss it so much, I’ve been looking over old class notes and textbooks when I’m bored. That’s a sad state of affairs to be sure. My boyfriend is going back to school in the fall (online, so slightly different from what I’m used to) and I honestly can’t wait to help him with his work. Except for Chemistry of Hazardous Materials. I feel like a derpasaurus even thinking about the technical knowledge that might entail. But I AM excited about helping him edit his papers, of all things.

I’m afraid that if I don’t keep myself immersed in academia, I’m going to go back to school one day and completely forget all the things I know about studying and being a decent student. I’m moderately good at researching, but that is a skill that can be lost without practice. Believe me, there’s not much researching going on in my life (unless it involves cats).

It doesn’t help that I’m feeling pressure to really DO something with my time spent out of school. My whole life I’ve been in school, been pressured to work, work, study, sleep, study, work, panic, work, cry. College life is constantly GO GO GO, much more than high school, which for me was all about getting into a good university. College came and it was still GO GO GO, but with even more serious consequences behind it, because it eventually must end with a job. Preferably a “good” job, one that’s salaried and with benefits (my dad always called this “being comfortable”). But I’m not in school right now and I don’t have that job. It’s twisting my image of adult life that’s been engrained in me since I could listen to adults talk.

Speaking of being an adult… what is a goddamn adult? I still view myself as a student, so therefore not a REAL ADULT. The Significant Other is a REAL ADULT (which is why I feel uncomfortable calling him “The Boy,” as I have others in the past). I find this incredibly sexy, but also terribly intimidating. He knows what he’s doing with his life, has known what he wanted to do since he was a kid, and does that. Going back to school is just a logical step to make just in case he does one day have to change careers. Maybe it’s that “career” thing. Will I feel like a REAL ADULT when I have one of those?

I’m so sick of being in limbo, of being stuck on a giant hamster wheel, plodding along and going nowhere. When will it end? How can I make it end? I know this sounds terribly childish, but I just don’t know the answer. Anybody out there feel this way too? Anybody got some advice for this struggling wanna-go-back-to-school not-REAL ADULT? Throw me a bone here!

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