Help, I’m Stuck in a Bra and I Can’t Get Out!

I’m a sucker for new underwear. I’m not afraid to say it! Some women enjoy the rush of a new pair of shoes; I on the other hand have a penchant for new unmentionables, particularly bras. Being a rather busty woman with a relatively small ribcage diameter (and by rather I mean quite, and by relatively I mean a difference of about 7 inches around, which, boys and girls, is a good bit of difference) it’s often difficult for me to find bras that fit, support, and don’t look like I’ve suddenly turned into my grandmother.

Now, let me preface by saying that I’m not trying to support a particular brand exclusively, all I’m saying is that there’s really only one brand that’s easily accessible that I trust. And that’s Victoria’s Secret. What can I say, I’m a big fan, and not just of Adrianna Lima.

The Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual sale ended earlier this month and I was able to pick up 2 bras and 3 pairs of cute (if not entirely “functional”) panties. The real deal was the bras because they were both originally $40-50 bras each, cut down to half price. The saleswoman (who, I might add, was bubbly, adorable, and full of piercings and huge gauges) even talked me into trying out a push-up bra, which is something I’d NEVER considered before. I mean, come on, I think I’ve got enough going on up here as it is, I told her. But I tried it anyway, and fell in love. Ironically, it’s that particular bra that led me to writing this post today.

Picture it, a lovely pale pink with black lace around the bottom of the cups. Apparently limited edition lace at that! (Whatever that means). Very Sexy indeed! What the saleswoman said that really sold me on the push-up was the fact that the straps were reversible. They can be unclipped from the back and crossed, making it racer-back style, adding more support, and believe you me, I need it.

“Party in the front, function in the back,” my lovely saleswoman said.

So this afternoon after working out and showering I decided that I’d like to try out this “function in the back” feature to my nice new bra. I unhooked the straps, crossed them, then found myself staring at it, not able to conceptualize how I was going to get this thing on. It looked like it would be a tight fit. First I put my arms through it, but that put the straps crossed in front of my throat, which obviously wouldn’t work. Then I slid the whole thing over my head, squeezed it past my shoulders, and tried to settle it in place. But then I realized the straps were still dangling (instead of having my arms through them). And so, I struggled and stretched and finagled each arm through the straps in the correct direction, then snapped the band hooks into place.

The straps cut into my shoulders like very dull knives and the band squeezed my back fat into an ugly roll. I couldn’t really move my shoulders or lift my arms over my head without feeling like one of the straps might snap. I mean, my boobs looked great, but at the cost of the rest of me looking like utter crap.

And so I unhooked the band and tried to slide my arms out from under the straps again, but while going in had been only moderately difficult, coming out again was an unexpected challenge. I’m sure if anyone had walked in on me struggling with that stretchy bundle of fabric, they would have thought I was starting to have a seizure. My right shoulder popped, which is something it’s prone to doing and I had to stop, knotted into an even more uncomfortable position so I could let that wave of pain pass. I looked pathetic and downright ridiculous.

Eventually I was able to go the damn thing over my head again, and I immediately returned the straps to their proper arrangement. Ugh. Never again.

Why do we torture ourselves with our clothes? And by we, I mostly just mean women. I can’t think of particularly torturous male clothing articles, except for maybe ties, but they usually end up being another way to torture women by making us tie them. Bras SUCK. It doesn’t matter what kind, sports bras can be even worse than normal bras, even though they have a less complicated design. We wear shoes that hurt our feet, dresses and skirts that pinch our waists, bras that might just stab us with a wire if we’re not careful, and thongs (enough said). And not only are these accoutrements painful, they’re often more expensive! I’ve never understood why I can by a normal pair of plain panties for $7, and a thong for double the price. What. Less fabric should equal less cost, right? Nope.

At any rate, don’t think that I’m trying to diss fashionable clothing, or painful shoes, or really anything women put themselves through for “beauty.” All I’m saying is that we need to make ourselves beautiful for ourselves. If I put on makeup and perfume for a date, I’m not doing it because I want to impress the person I’m going out with. Rather, I’m putting on those things because they make me feel confident and beautiful. And I know that feeling confident is step one to having a great time in any social situation. I may put on a sexy bra and panty set, even though I’m not wanting or expecting to get naked that night. I don’t know, stuff like that just makes me feel awesome, powerful even.

So take it from me, if you’re planning on finagling yourself into a push-up with extra racer-back support that doesn’t have a front clasp, have someone around to help you get out of it when it goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Till next time!

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