Every Single Night

Every single night,
I endure the flight
Of little wings of white flamed
Butterflies in my brain.
These ideas of mine
Percolate the mind,
Trickle down the spine,
Swarm the belly swelling to a blaze;
That’s where the pain comes in,
Like a second skeleton,
Trying to fit beneath the skin.
I can’t fit the feelings in
Oh every single night’s alight
With my brain… – Fiona Apple

I effing love Fiona Apple. LOVE. I don’t care how crazy she gets or the ridiculous things she says or if she smokes too much and gets scary thin or wears an octopus on her head, I just love her. I was introduced to her last summer with Extraordinary Machine. Now the only two Pandora stations I listen to are her and Peter Gabriel. Nope, I’m not a hipster, just have a thing for art-pop, promise.

This is the first verse to the first song on her newest album, The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than The Driver Of The Screw And Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do. Quite a mouthful isn’t it? Though it has nothing on When The Pawn‘s full title, but we won’t go there. These lines, among others, have drifted around in my head incessantly the last few days. Frankly, they’re what are keeping me level.

There’s a lot going on right now, and sometimes I feel like each thought flits through my head like a bird (I’ve been watching the hummingbirds at my parents’ house the last few days). But sometimes the thoughts are more like bullets. They plow through defenses of realism and optimism and all the walls that keep my hope and positivity intact. But hey, I’ve got to keep my neurons busy, right? I have to clean up the messes I’ve made in my brain (I’d make a joke about glia here, but not everyone would get it, and those who would probably can come up with their own).

Thoughts destroy and thoughts create. Thoughts keep you down and out – until they don’t. We each live in a world inside our heads that doesn’t exist in any universe but our own singular one. Don’t get philosophical on me, I’m just trying to blog. 😉

Thoughts can be fleeting, but as we all know, ideas can change the world. My head is all wrapped up in dichotomous thoughts and I feel like I could be moving in all directions at once.

But I’m not. My feet are firmly on the ground. I know where I’m going and how to get there, I just don’t know exactly how I feel about it. I think that happens to a lot of us when we’re going through a transitional period. Some people are the exact opposite, they know their emotions without having a clue where they need to go. I’m glad I’m in the place I’m in, because it allows me to pursue my goals while figuring out things going on in my head along the way.

So as I’m walking down this solid path, I will try to predict the future, with each prediction in direct opposition with the one before it. I will continue to question myself, even as I strengthen my convictions. I’m going to be confused, and my heart will go through hell, which sucks, but at least when I’m feeling dizzy from all the thoughts, I know I can always go back to Fiona and know that I’m not alone.

UPDATE: You should watch this – http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

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