I Just Wanna Sit At Home And Bake

Yesterday I made cheese. Twice. No, I didn’t buy cheese, I made cheese. Delicious ricotta from scratch. I went out and bought a cheesecloth and everything. Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t hard, but it definitely wasn’t something I ever pictured myself doing.

That’s how much time I have on my hands. Reduced to making grocery staples to keep myself entertained.

When I started drafting this post, I was still gainfully employed (albeit at an hourly job that had nothing to do with my field of study, but still, I had an income). Three days ago, I quit. I’d originally said I would be staying until the end of next week, but after a particularly rude email from my owner, I edited myself off the schedule and turned in my key. Frankly, I’d planned on quitting this job over two months ago, before Mother’s Day (which is a big holiday for this business), because following Valentine’s Day (the biggest of the holidays), I never wanted to be involved in a holiday in a managerial position ever again. But I stayed, because I was too afraid to lose the money. A few weeks after Mother’s Day, things went from bad to worse. I was given the responsibilities of a store manager, without the pay. Yet those responsibilities were constantly in flux, and unclear (for example, I was shown how to run payroll, fully under the impression I’d be running payroll from now on, opened the program to do payroll for the first time and was locked out because the password had been changed. So apparently, I wasn’t going to be doing payroll..? Was I not trusted enough to run payroll? Would I still be making the schedule, or would that be taken away from me too? Did I have authority to give refunds? Was I still even a manager at all? It was a mess of misunderstanding).

Essentially, I felt disrespected at my job, which I know happens. That’s just life. But I’d been working there for over two years, and had moved up through the (very few) ranks without much drama. Suddenly I’m being personally attacked for bringing up flaws in scheduling, and trying to express the needs of my fellow employees (FYI, business people, don’t hire someone to do one job, then expect them to do that job PLUS another one without some sort of compensation, or at least understanding of her misgivings).

So. I quit. And more than one employee has followed already. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a slippery slope from there.

I have research opportunities in the wings, which will be paid (and academically relevant!), and I don’t have very many expenses right now, aside from gas and groceries. I’m actually not in too bad of a place financially, for now. But emotionally? Mentally? I’m restless, bored, and borderline depressed (which I talked about last time because I want SO BADLY to be back in school). And thus, the cheese-making.

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I just want to sit at home and bake and play Borderlands until the Significant Other comes home (and then probably play more Borderlands). I think me cooking every night that he’s off is doing not-so-great things for our waistlines. But hey, eating (cooking?) my feelings is ok. Right?

My Little (sorority little sister to whom I am a…”mentor,” for those unfamiliar with the parlance. Those of you reading who¬†are in sororities will note that “mentor” is the simplest – and yet sometimes furthest away from the truth – term for the uninitiated to understand. HAHA PUN!) was able to put my feelings the most eloquently by saying I’m suffering from perceived humiliation. I think all of my friends are judging me and I don’t want to talk to them about quitting my job, because some of them don’t even have crappy hourly jobs right now. I feel selfish for giving up something that was making me money, just because I became dissatisfied with the experience. Did I quit for a good enough reason? Sometimes I think so, but other times I’m not so sure. The Significant Other says he’ll support me no matter what, and I don’t think he’s judging me, but I know he also wants me to get another job. Which, realistically, will only be another crappy hourly job, if I can find one at all. I was actually surprised at how supportive my father was of my decision to quit, since he’s the one always pushing for me to be “comfortable” financially, and this just throws me into a state of instability.

All I know for sure, 100% without a doubt (which is really saying something for me), is that my Little doesn’t judge me (thanks Little). I’m infinitely grateful for having at least one person in my life that my screwy brain doesn’t warp my perception of.

Yesterday I made cheese and mini quiches. Today I’m thinking cookies.


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